Jauh berjalan banyak kenangan

Sekarang sudah masuk bulan April.. dan ini bermakna sudah 3 bulan aku terperuk di sini. Walaupun aktiviti turnaround sudah tamat tapi aku masih tak berpeluang untuk bercuti - rehat diri.

Ini bermakna selama 3 bulan aku hanya berulang alik dari rumah dan ke tempat kerja.. bercuti bila ada perkara penting sahaja tapi bukan untuk rehatkan badan.

Ketika aku ke KL tempohari bukanlah kerana "bercuti" tapi kerana menghadiri training di Bangi. Oleh kerana jadual training tak terlalu padat jadi aku kira bolehlah aku gunakan sedikit masa terluang untuk merayau di kawasan berhampiran dengan hotel, tempat aku menginap.

Dan kemudiannya diikuti dengan perjalanan aku ke sana sekali lagi atas "urusan peribadi".

Itulah kali terakhir aku "bercuti"..

Kali ini aku perlu bercuti lebih lama untuk rehatkan badan, tenangkan fikiran.

Kata orang jauh berjalan luas pandangan tapi jauh perjalanan aku sebelum ini berikan banyak kenangan.

Kenangan yang tak boleh dilupakan.

Kenangan sekali seumur hidup.

Kenangan yang mematangkan diri dan bukti betapa aku menghargai "perasaan" aku terhadap dia.

Kali ini barulah aku berpeluang untuk merehatkan badan.. cuti dalam ertikata sebenar. Berseorangan dan menikmati waktu waktu yang ada sambil memikirkan langkah yang perlu aku tempuhi selepas ini.

Tapi di mana destinasi aku kali ini?

Seribu kenangan

Hari minggu hari untuk berehat... berehat dari fikirkan kerja di pejabat tapi kerja di rumah tetap kena siapkan... dan hampir dua minggu aku tak mengemas bilik.. berselerak.

Bilik orang "bujang".

Waktu aku sedang mengemas aku terjumpa satu barang yang berharga... penuh nilai sentimental..
Yup.. sekeping gambar seribu kenangan.

Hahahaa ini gambar yang cukup bernilai..

Gambar ini diambil di sebuah kedai gambar di bandar Chukai. Dan kalau tak silap waktu ni aku baru berumur 3 tahun. Kata umi, umi sengaja biarkan rambut aku panjang. Masa aku kecik dulu rambut aku bukan berwarna hitam tapi blonde..  sebab itu umi biarkan rambut aku panjang dan bergambar sebagai kenangan.

Malangnya waktu tu aku bukan dalam mood yang betul.. kena marah dengan umi sebab aku tak nak bergambar sambil cekak pinggang..

Gambar yang di ambil tahun 1975 ni masih baik dalam jagaan aku sekarang. Gambar ni memang berharga kerana hanya ada 2 keping yang masih dalam simpanan..

1975 ?? sedar tak sedar aku dah berumur 39 tahun sekarang... lebih tepat 39 tahun pada bulan September.

I am superlonely...

I am alone. I walk alone, i sleep alone, i eat lunch alone, i eat dinner alone, i shower alone, i talk alone,and i feel alone. I didn't really care much about company until i woke the other day and realized i was alone. 

I realized how it would feel to have someone to say good morning to. Someone who waits for me in the room when i come tired from my office and asks me,''How was your day? ''I look at back in my pass and i realize i was alone, i am alone and  in the future i don't want to be alone.

Now my life has changed. After this thought of loneliness hit my mind, my life is not about finishing my career and doing what i love. Now my life has become this journey. I go though the days and weeks and all i think about is someone. I don't who that someone is, i just know she makes feel complete. She makes me feel like i cant give up this journey till i get to where i want to be. Til i wake up in the mornings and have someone to say good morning. Someone to cook breakfast for, someone who wishes me a good day. And sometimes i just wonder if this is a never ending journey. If one day i'll actually give up and stop hoping. Now i dont' know if i should  sit here and wait for loneliness to pack her bags and leave or i should leave loneliness behind and get up and try to find someone. For now my shadow is the only one that walks beside me till then i am alone.

I Know That Loneliness Is Killing Me

I hate being alone more than anything in the world. I hate being alone with just me and my thoughts. I need someone to love me, someone to care about me. I have prayed and prayed for someone but my prayers go unanswered. At the end of the day, it's still just me. Alone. I do believe a person can die from loneliness.

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People who live alone are more likely to be in poor health and to die younger than those who live with another. I think that I have been lonely for most of my life. This is a scary. Not always easy to remedy. It is harder to rectify if you don't drive. People rarely offer lifts and so the loneliness goes on. Where has the hand of kindness gone? Looking out for others. I don't see any evidence of it. A sad commentary on our society.

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Part of me wants to stop feeling the way I feel but part of me is comfortable with the status quo.  Change is hard.  It's easier to sit back and feel sorry for myself instead of doing something about it.  I am trapped behind a wall.  A wall I built years ago to keep people out and protect myself.  Now I'm trapped behind that wall and don't know how to get out.

I have no close friends and have battled depression in the past.  I have a job but it's not a career.  I don't even know what I want to do with my life and at my age I think that's pretty sad.  Sometimes I feel like I'm just sitting by watching my life go by and counting down the days until it's finally over and I can be free.  I laugh and smile but it's all fake.

credit : experienceproject