Lonely soul

I feel so alone, no one to call a true friend. Sometimes, I don't even recognize my own thoughts. I feel as if I am losing pieces of myself day by day. It is has been a constant struggle to find contentment within myself. From my understanding, happiness is supposed to be a joyous feeling; a blissful and continuous experience. But that experience has never stayed with me long enough. It has come and gone many times, unexpectedly. I know most would say, it's a part of life and it happens. That I should find the strength to overcome difficult challenges and face adversity head on. However, I’ve been there and I’ve done that.

Certainly, I’ve come across a few acquaintances in my life and early on I can clearly remember having one or two real friends. But those relationships are long gone; times have changed. I never knew what judgement was because I was free to be who I wanted to be. I didn't pay much attention to what others were thinking. As time moved forward, I started to see that people can be very cold hearted and that the world we lived in was just simply unfair.

I'm not a perfect human-being and by no means have I ever claimed to be. Yes, I admit that I too have judged but not intentionally or willingly. And I have repented on behalf of those judgments. Yet former "friends" or acquaintances have outcasted me to make it seem as if I am inhumane. I don't have a mean bone in my body, I’ve always listened to what others had to say but not once did any of them bothered to ask me about me. They used me for kindness and willingness to give and when they were done with me, they never looked back.

No matter how hard I try to reach out and connect with others, I continue to fall. I've fallen some many times, I am beginning to think that perhaps this is who I am; a loner. The truth is, I’ve always been an introvert and somewhat of an eccentric. These are aspects of me that I just can not change. I can't force myself to be the life of the party or draw attention to myself because of some other reason. Realizing, that I can't change these things hurts my heart so much...my only desire is to find happiness.

credit : experienceproject